A Facebook Love Story

Photo Credit: www.facebook.com

Dear Facebook,

After my first love, MySpace, passed away into the lonely despair of irrelevance, I found you. My friends told me about you, and how easy you were to get along with. Through a short conversation, we were able to get to know each other. I figured out that your clean, white exterior was no facade, and that you were actually quite easy to get along with.

You didn’t even try to hide me from my friends, but instead showed me that we could still talk to each other, and from even greater distances thanks to you. For the first time in my life I felt like a digital entity fully understood me as a person. You even remembered my birthday, and reminded all of my friends so that they could send me birthday wishes!

Things were going well, and I visited you every day to see what you were up to. Then, I began to feel it. On my profile hung the lonely, isolated word. I could hide it from everyone else, but it ached me to read it. In the digitally isolated world of the internet, there was no one who could fix my seemingly permanent condition. I was single, and you had a bad habit of reminding me how lonely I truly was.

Every day I logged in, I saw the happy faces of couples who recently became “in a relationship” or “engaged” or “married”…and the world rejoiced at their happiness! Though I had no problem with their relationships, I wanted one of my own.

I searched through many avenues, some of which were recommended by you, but no one could ever win my heart. I should’ve known you wanted me for yourself. You heard me Facebook. You enjoyed my single condition because you wanted me to spend all of my time taking your quizzes, or buying cows for your little animated farms but enough is enough!

I did enjoy the many hours spent playing your silly games, but there is now something truly greater at stake. You know what I’m talking about. You witnessed it’s development, and let it happen without mentioning a word of your bitter jealousy.

You were so proud to display my “single” status all over the internet, but when I met her, your attitude changed. You were distant, dragging your feet to load even the simplest page. Looking at her pictures made you cringe as you brought them up as slowly as possible. I knew something was suspicious.

You even managed to talk my friend, Droid, into causing me problems. As we talked, you kept up your antics til that faithful day. Yes, Facebook, I knew I was going to date her! You apparently knew it too.

I pulled out my phone, and changed my status for the first time in years, and changed my relationship status from single, to “in a relationship.” All she had to do was accept it, and the world would know of our developing relationship! But no…you had other plans.

Hours passed, and I noticed that no one seemed to care. I saw my status, and so did she. What had happened? Had my friends abandoned all hope for me? I wondered if people had simply given up on me as my status sat lonely, with no likes…or comments. But, I found the culprit, you sneaky, digital Delilah.

By digging into the archives of my personal profile information, I found one phrase that completely flipped my world. It said, “only by me”. Why the heck would I change my relationship status and want it viewed only by ME?! I growled as I slid my finger down the screen, and changed it to public. A smile stretched across my face as I saw the light at the end of this dark tunnel. Sadly, the light was further away than I thought.

I checked back on my wall, and there was still nothing. My status was barren…and then I knew the truth. You intentionally hid it. Suddenly, a brilliant idea hit my mind! I told my girlfriend that I was going to mark myself as single and then ask her again to be my girlfriend.

As I changed my status to single, you decided to take your chances. With a single, condescending message you said, “Would you like help breaking the news to her?” I froze at the screen…how dare you Facebook. I thought you were nice, but this has gone too far! You purposely hid my status and wanted me to break up with my girlfriend! I will still be around, but that was low. I still appreciate you for all you do Facebook, but you will never satisfy my heart.

I will still play games with you, laugh at your jokes, and chat with you, but you must understand that I’ve moved on. My loneliness is now cured by the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. So move aside Facebook, my status will no longer be single. I will no longer feel the agony of loneliness that accompanies your constant reminder of how emotionally alone I was. You can keep your cows and colorful candy pieces while I spend precious time with this amazing woman who’s relationship you could not stop

So goodbye single status, and hello my beautiful girlfriend.

Thanks for everything,

Jonathan Shuffler