Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Good Luck Iguana


Photo Credit: www.wikihow.com

There are times when I question the sanity of life itself. Sometimes, the rules to life's crazy game make sense, but there are moments when I wonder if I was dealt a hand of UNO cards during poker night. Even though I have a brilliant rainbow of numeric art fanned out in front of me, I realize that no one else at the table cares if my four is blue, and no one is willing to add four cards to their properly dealt hands. In other words, my life has been quite different.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Iguanas. I realize that you read the title of this blog and are wondering what this philosophical discussion on life has to do with Iguanas. Well, I'm getting to that. Throughout history, people have claimed that they have found a secret to steering life in their favor. This is known as luck. Everything from rabbit's feet to four leaf clovers have supposedly provided people with good luck since the dawn of mankind. Well, these may help out in life, but since I don't carry around these relics I couldn't tell you from personal experience.

But, I have found a unique secret. This is where the Iguanas come into play. It all started in Miami, Florida a few years ago, during the hot, humid season of Summer. At the time, I was helping out with a children's summer camp, and we were to go swimming in a private lake to cool off. In my mind, the private lake would be luxurious, full of palm trees, clear water, and a waiting staff handing me fruit drinks and olives while I watched the kids. Sadly, this was not the case.

Instead, when the bus stopped to a screeching halt, I realized that we had stopped at the most secluded, frightening pond I had ever seen. Some might disagree and say it was a lake, but lakes are not supposed to look like the remains of Godzilla sneezing into a hole. Green algae swirled around as unseen critters danced under the thin, disgusting layer of grime on the surface. 

My face scrunched up in a disgusted cringe as we took the kids to the pavilion. Surely this isn't the lake they are swimming in. This was probably just a pond on the property that was conveniently placed next to the entrance. I was wrong.

Within seconds of arriving, the children we were watching jumped right into the fermenting filth in front of me. Well, I guess I got to join in, I thought to myself as I slowly lowered myself into the grimy pool. If I don't watch the kids they could get hurt, and there is not a lot I can do without being in the water. Little debris and strings of algae pirouetted around my floating form. Great, I'm taking three showers tonight.

See, I'm not a squeamish person, but when you see objects in the water that would fit right at home in your toilet, you start to feel dirty. I tried to push it out of my mind as the kids asked me to swim out to where they were. With much mental discipline, I managed to push myself out to where they were.

We had a great time swimming around, laughing and enjoying the warm sun across our cooling bodies. Surprisingly, I had almost forgotten about the nasty refuse I was swimming in because of the bright smiles on the kids faces.

When the time finally came to leave the secluded cesspool, I was more than ready. With just a few strokes I would be back on the dock, ride back home, and take my nice, clean shower. A smile stretched across my face as I moved my body against the water. Just a few more feet and I would make it. Suddenly, the smile was wiped across my face by something wet and slimy. You may think that this is where the iguana comes in, but it isn't. The iguana was calmly chilling on the shore sunning itself on a conveniently placed rock. What I came into contact with was much worse.

I stopped my forward momentum to survey the damage. Across my face was a green, wet smear. I dipped my hand in the water, which was not much cleaner than the filth on my skin, and attempted to wash it away. In a few moments I managed to wash away the remnants of the green goo. A sigh escaped my lungs as I reached the shore and mumbled to myself.

"Stupid algae." I said to myself as I dried my body off with a towel.

"Did it look like green balls in the water?" The owner of the lake asked.

"Yeah, why?" I asked, knowing I'd regret the answer.

"That wasn't algae. There's iguanas in this lake. Sometimes they like to...ya know..." He stopped for a second, "...do their business." He said smiling.

Suddenly, I remembered. The iguana on the rock, the green orb in the water, and finally it hit me. I had been assaulted by an iguana bomb. It was a tactical strike against the clean slate of my once handsome face. I stared at the guy in shock and walked away slowly, trying my best not to freak out in front of the kids laughing and smiling around me. I'd recover from this later, I thought to myself.

Hours passed as I tried to forget the incident at the lake. Memories of green orbs and goo haunted my mind as I sat down at the table to play games with my friends. This would surely help remove the trauma from my innocent psyche. Let the games begin, I thought to myself as I rolled the dice. My friends stared in shock. I rolled perfectly.

Within minutes I won the dice game we were playing. The leader of our group switched the game, looking at me suspiciously. He dealt the cards and explained the rules. I looked at my hand and thought I had lost, but with a few draws from the deck, I played my hand. Again, with only the slightest effort on my part, I had won. Victory visited me often that night as we played every kind of game the group could think of. 

Finally, the leader of the group stared at me and asked, "How are you doing this?"

I stared at everyone and tried to figure it out myself. They were all games of luck, with very little skill involved. What was different about tonight than any other game night with my friends? Suddenly, the realization hit me and a big smile stretched across my lucky face.

"Iguana poop." I replied with a straight face, darting between everyone's confused looks. Everyone burst out into laughter as they looked at me in disbelief. They may not have understood the secret to good luck, but after that night I knew. The best good luck charm is not a lucky rabbit's foot or a four leaf clover, but an unfortunate smearing of iguana poop across an unsuspecting victim's face.

Just to cover my bases, please don't attempt to spread iguana poop across yours, or anyone else's face. The statements in the article above are not approved by the GLCA (Good Luck Charm Association). I take no responsibility for the actions of any reader who decide to try this tactic, nor will I endorse anyone who endeavors to prove this method as effective in private, controlled testing environments. It is solely based on the experience and opinion of the author of this article, and not on any scientific fact or information released by the GLCA. Thank you.



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