The Truth About Toilet Paper

Photo Credit: www.dreamstime.com

Sometimes, there are things in life that we take for granted. We are so used to the every day luxuries of our existence that we forget to be thankful for them, or to critically observe their importance. Today, I am not discussing the importance of toilet paper, nor of it’s role in our lives. That is self explanatory and of a slightly crude nature to which I deem unnecessary to delve into. In short, you know why you use toilet paper. If you don’t use it, then everyone else knows.

So you may be asking yourselves what the title is referring to if I am not discussing the importance of toilet paper. What is this “truth”? Well, it is a simple concept that many don’t take time to notice. Take a break from this article for a second and observe your bathroom. Look at the toilet paper roll near your commode. Hopefully you have one, if you don’t then disregard all of this.

How is it positioned? Do the loose squares lie lazily on top of the pure, white roll? Or do they gently tuck underneath the arrangement, leaving a smooth, white finish on top? Or are you one of those few, weird, eccentric individuals who put the roll vertically on top of the back of the toilet, or somewhere else in the room until you need it? If you are in this category, then you may want to invest in a toilet paper holder, preferably as close to the toilet as possible while retaining the necessary distance so you can take care of business.

You see? You would have never thought about the importance of these three main toilet paper arrangements if you didn’t take the time and look. Each setting of the roll has pros and cons. Let’s start with the first one.

If you are one of those who let the paper lie on top of the roll, you are doing it incorrectly. By allowing your toilet paper to roll in this fashion, you are making it very difficult on yourself. Think about it this way. Once you are finished with all of your bodily processes, you may need toilet paper. When you reach for it, you will have to reach back across your body in order to pull out the proper amount of tissue. This is improper form. By doing this, you are obstructing the flow of toilet paper, and are moving your body in a way it was not designed for while sitting on the toilet. Unless you enjoy unnecessary movement, I’d suggest staying away from the first arrangement, unless you are very tall. Then you can lift up from the roll and get as much paper as you need. On a minor note, the toilet paper lying on top of the roll appears messy to guests, and can interfere with the desired result of having a well kept toilet paper arrangement in your bathroom, which is important in high class societies.

The second arrangement is much more efficient. By allowing the toilet paper to gently tuck underneath the roll, you are able to pull down and acquire as much as you desire. That rhymed. Anyways, back to the point. Your arm is naturally made to use up and down motions. That is why we have elbows, to allow for that kind of movement. By pulling down on the toilet paper roll, you are able to use natural momentum, and spin the paper around til you have what you need. Simple. Efficient. Beautiful. Also, when addressing people of higher society, and they want to use your lavatory, you can humbly mention the cleanly state of your toilet paper roll. This always impresses people in the upper echelon of society. Trust me, I should know.

If you leave your toilet paper vertically standing in your bathroom, then there may be a slight issue with the tissue. See, you may think you will remember to retrieve it, but in the case of a gastrointestinal emergency, you may forget. What then? Will you waddle your way over to it from across the room, hoping to not trip over the cloth laden trap at your feet? It’s nonsense! Just invest in a toilet paper roll holder, and you’ll be okay. Now, for those who put their toilet paper on the back of the toilet, I feel sorry for you. The upper class will surely vacate your house upon discovering the inefficient manner by which you store your valuable toilet tissue. And if you’re anything like me, you want to impress your guests, not distress them. Especially if they are distinguished guests, which I have slightly less often than most people I’ve come into contact with.

In conclusion, which is hard to draw considering there is much more to discover through the science of toiletology, of which I have a distinguished BS in, the arrangement of toilet paper is important in the development of society, and of differentiating those who are well off in life with those who need further assistance. This is only my humble opinion of course, so take it as you will, but I will mention one last point. Pulling down is safe and sound, while pulling away will waste your day. Take this to heart next time you…never mind. Have a wonderful day.

Dr. Jonathan Shuffler, MD in Toiletology