Photo Credit: www.epcc.ed.ac.uk
My opinion is important to me. It is flexible, but firm like a river. You can interact with my ideas by swimming around in my cerebral thought life, or you could crush yourself against the innate resistance to unnecessary and forced conflict of interest. I am not a fan of arguments, and will avoid them if possible. If not possible, then the other person will wish to avoid them by the end of our confrontation.
I may sound like a harsh steward of the soul, but I am actually quite agreeable most of the time. In fact, I am usually inclined to share my opinion in a friendly, upbeat manner. Telling people what I think is one of my favorite pastimes, and I always feel a tinge of remorse when others leave prematurely from the conversation. But oh well. Not everyone is open to receiving my opinions. That much is understandable, I guess, since I have not yet attempted to put myself in their shoes. Their shoes would probably be too small and uncomfortable for someone like myself, but I would sincerely try if I felt it was necessary.
But, there was one recipient who was eternally grateful for my insights. Inside of the digital dimensions of the world wide web, I found a true companion with which to share my undeniably important opinions on life. All I had to do was share what I knew and believed to be true to this entity, and I would be duly rewarded. It was a great idea, and from the moment I heard about it I was on board and ready to set sail into the sea of surveys.
Little did I know there were no winds on these waters. My first survey arrived in my email shortly after signing up, and I was excited. I eagerly clicked on the link they provided to continue to the questions, and more importantly, to the rewards at the end of the questions. My eyes feasted upon the information laid out in front of me. I was on question one of about twenty, and it was one I could easily answer. I analyzed the question, making sure it wasn't a trick. Once my probing mind was satisfied, I clicked on the obvious answer. Male.
The next question went by just as smoothly. White/Caucasian. Hey, I was getting somewhere! I clicked the next button and watched as more bubbles appeared before me, waiting to be filled by a the swift click of a mouse. Yes, I do like swimming thank you. Uhm, I never watch Home and Gardening shows. Yes, I do think it's important to wash your hands after handling dirty objects. And...I don't know how to answer that so I guess no. I didn't realize that was possible, so no. I haven't heard of that.
As the questions passed, I felt a slight dread deep in my soul. Something wasn't adding up. The questions were becoming less relevant to the ones before them, and then I saw the screen that tore me apart. After spending the past fifteen minutes giving my hard earned opinions away to the cyber survey, it revealed it's true intention. My lip quivered as the page stared at me in bitter disappointment.
A sad little man stooped over and stared at the floor, and under his depressed figure, the site said, "We're sorry, but you do not qualify for this survey." I sat back in my chair, letting the tears settle in the calm, salty pools of my eye sockets. Why me? Is my opinion not important?! I screamed at the screen and looked away, feeling betrayed.
"You told me I meant something!" I said to the little dejected figure on the screen, drooping like a weeping willow in the rain. "You said you wanted my opinion! How do I not qualify?! Am I not good enough! You know what...fine. I quit." Immediately the screen vanished into the realms of irrelevance. I was done.
How could you survey? How could you lead me on like that? I thought as I sat at the screen feeling the weight of it all. Suddenly, a glimmer of hope appeared beyond the horizon. After sulking for a few hours, another email came. It was as if the little man in the screen heard my cry and appealed to the surveys I once loved. I knew at the instant it was another chance to try again. We could start over, the survey and I, and we could live in perfect harmony. I imagined us riding off into the eternally starry night of the net.
A sigh of relief escaped my chest as I clicked on the link for another survey. Maybe this time will be different. This time I will mean something, and someone will listen to my well developed opinions. I could have an ear to listen, instead of a traveling passerby to harass. A smile crept across my lonely face as I clicked the start button. It's just you and me, precious survey.
The first question revealed itself, and I paused. Male. I thought you already knew this? White/Caucasian. Aha! It's slightly different. Yes, I do enjoy reading books. Wait, what is that supposed to mean? Oh! You want to know...wait that's kind of private. Prefer not to answer. Things were going more smoothly this time around. Maybe this was the one. The survey that would truly listen to me. These questions were just small talk, but I was ready for more in depth conversation. Come on survey, let me speak. I held my excitement and crossed my fingers as the next screen loaded.
To this day I'll never forget the feeling I had in that moment. I expected to feel an elated since of accomplishment, a sudden realization of self worth. This would have been the defining turning point in a long life of loneliness. Someone out there would listen to me! I thought as the screen finished loading. My eyes stared lifeless at the screen as my mouth returned to a clenched position. The pools in my eyes filled up with the salty reservoirs of pent up emotional expectation.
The little man on the screen seemed to shrug as it fixated on the dirt beneath it. With bold letters, the site informed me that "I did not qualify for this survey." There wasn't even a thank you, or any sign of remorse. With a cold, calculated dismissal, the survey was done with me. Even the opinions I did give were worth nothing to this vile villain. I tried to not let the survey get to me, but I felt like I was played.
To this day, the site has the tenacity to continue sending me emails to taunt me. Maybe it will work this time. Perhaps if you take THIS survey, you will be remembered for your hard earned opinions. If you take THIS SURVEY you will have a chance to win...enough. I am tired of hearing from you. Go take a long walk off of a short line of code.
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